Having to take action to prevent climate change is a bore! Luckily we have composed this list of everyday life hacks to help your country avoid its global responsibility!
1. Set Incredibly Low Targets
If you set a target so unambitious that you won’t even notice if you succeed, then the job is done! Relax, put your feet up as other countries fuck about with ‘renewables’ and rethinking cement production in the knowledge of a job well skipped. Phew!
2. Withdraw From The Paris Agreement
You can’t break the agreement if you’re not in the agreement! Ignore the fact that it took 192 countries to agree on through decades of negotiation; if it’s going to make you responsible for your country’s actions then get outta there! Take that Al Bore!
3. Paralyse Your Government With Another Issue
Pick an issue that is incredibly polarizing yet has no parliamentary majority for any resolution of it and watch that magic work! As an added bonus, it will also command the majority of media attention and divert activism energy and resources towards the various camps that emerge, and away from holding the government to account on climate change. NICE!
Claim that you are meeting your Climate Change commitments while not making any effort to! Bask in all that good publicity for having met your targets in record time — well done! If people start to challenge your version of the narrative, call them ‘Extremists,’ ‘Eco-warriors,’ and members of the ‘Deep State’ who will never be satisfied and are using the issue as a power grab. Once you have stopped fetishising the truth, life becomes much easier!
5. Paint Climate Change As An Issue For Individuals, Not The State.
Frame the challenge as one of encouraging people to be nicer and better, rather than coming together in solidarity to undermine or overthrow the capitalist system that demands environmental degradation! The population will feel happy that they are doing their part, a bit of recycling, an occasional walk rather than a car journey, while the industries and systems that are the cause of the problem remain unchanged. Perfecto!
By far the easiest option on the list, if we do nothing then the climate disaster will unfold with horrific impact around the world. The world’s poorest countries will be hit hardest — a big fuck-you given they already lack the funds to adapt to extreme weather events. Even if all the current targets are met, we’re still on track for a 3°C temperature increase with catastrophic consequences. Bingo! We have a winner!
Don’t do nothing about climate change. Send this article to your local politicians. Or get involved with your local branch of 350.org. Or see what’s happening with your regional or national node of the Climate Action Network.